


Structural Integrity

by etrangerici



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Episode Tag, Gen, Post-Episode: s03e18 Shades of Grey, Team Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-28 11:54:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20966138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etrangerici/pseuds/etrangerici
Summary: Archiving this from Dreamwidth. This was a long time coming, with truly heroic beta work by PrincessofGeekland, for which blessings be upon her, 'cause she supplied the chainsaw and the gas and plenty of encouragement.





	Structural Integrity

Jack was half leaning, half-seated on the infirmary bed, waiting for Janet to finish the exam and to finally deliver that ultimate lie: _Colonel, you’re free to go_. He didn’t in any way acknowledge the conspicuous absence of his teammates. He refused to make eye contact with General Hammond, who silently placed a duffel bag on the end of the bed. Jack glanced over, spotted a triangle of white and pulled an envelope out of the side pocket. The sound of the chain sliding within and the misshapen bulge made the contents obvious. Jack flicked a look at the General, ripped open the end of the envelope and placed the chain around his neck once more. Nothing says ‘Welcome back’ and ‘Glad you’re not a treasonous thief’ like the return of his tags, a couple of sets of BDUs, and the contents of his locker.

His mind kept ambushing him with memories of the mission. Images popping up in a demented slide show: facing off with Teal’c at the entrance to the infirmary - _click _\- Carter’s face on Tollana - _click _\- Maybourne’s smug satisfaction - _click _\- Daniel stalking out of his living room. He ruthlessly cut off those thoughts, but it was difficult. Daniel’s retreating footsteps and the quiet snick of his front door latch - the sounds haunted him. Even in retrospect, it somehow seemed worse that Daniel hadn’t slammed the door. Final, like the last word in an argument that allowed for no possible response.

Janet finally released him. He snagged the duffel and left the infirmary. His plan was locker room, shower, _out_. The empty SG-1-shaped spaces around him left him feeling untethered and unreal and wondering when he’d started depending on them being there. _Not the time to dwell on it. Later. _He wanted a drink but knew walking into a bar would be a mistake. He was primed for a fight, which made going out in public career suicide. He was meant to be resuming a position of responsibility at the SGC, soothing fears and keeping up morale. He’d need discipline, patience and an even temper. Tapped out and thin-skinned was not part of the brief. _Suck it up, Airman._

Swinging through the locker room door, Jack almost ran into Teal’c. The Jaffa was planted, immovable and implacable, directly in his path. Jack stopped. In an eye blink, options spooled through his head: evade, confront, mock, retreat; in the end, he went with none of them. He waited, eyes fixed straight ahead and slightly unfocused.

“O’Neill, are you well?”

Jack blinked. “Well?”

“Indeed.”

Jack opened his mouth, tried to push out the ‘Yeah, fine,’ and found the words wouldn’t come. He hitched a shoulder in a half-shrug.

“The Asgard, Tollan and Nox are satisfied?” There was no particular inflection in Teal’c’s voice, but the slight tightening around the lips hinted at disgust.

“I’m sure they’re thrilled.” Jack turned and opened his empty locker. His nameplate was missing. He sat down on the bench. Waited.

“And you?” In his peripheral vision, Jack saw Teal’c ease into the Jaffa version of parade rest.

“Me?”

“You fulfilled your mission. Are you not also satisfied?”

Jack jerked a shoulder again. He unzipped the duffel and began placing items in his locker with excessive care and precision.

“The Tau’ri’s allies were most expeditious,” Teal’c paused a beat, “and politic.” From Teal’c, this was a scathing denunciation.

Jack’s eyes narrowed. “They wanted proof of our commitment.”

“Which the Tau’ri were quick to offer.”

“The SGC’s name had to be cleared.” Jack tried to relax his clenched jaw. He and the General had agreed on that, at least.

“It was a matter of honor.”

Jack waved that away. Duty and honor, it always came back to duty and honor. Duty to his country, to his planet. Duty to himself ran a distant, barely distinguishable third. As for honor, it wasn’t the first time his honor and his orders were light-years apart. Wouldn’t be the last.

“When made aware of the wrong, your superiors attempted to redress it.” Teal’c loomed over Jack, crossing his arms. “They were not wrong to do so, but you should not have been alone in your undertaking.”

“Orders,” Jack grunted. He placed the last item from his duffel on the shelf, fingertips resting on the lid of the cigar box. Thinking of other missions, other orders. Lies he’d told and lives lost. People he’d learned to live without.

“General Hammond is not so careless of his people.”

“Wasn’t his decision,” Jack muttered.

A heavy hand landed on Jack’s shoulder and he had to look up. Had to meet Teal’c’s gaze. It was rare, very rare, for Teal’c to reach out physically to him. “Then the dishonor was with the Asgard, Tollan, and Nox.”

“Thor believed-”

“He did not. He lacked faith in your judgment.”

Jack’s hand tightened into a fist. His vision greyed. He felt light-headed, watching, as if from outside himself, his shoulder drop, muscles tense. He could see the shift of weight in preparation for a brutal short-arm punch to the bank of lockers. The tightening of Teal’c’s hand halted him before the gesture truly began. Jack scraped together the tattered remains of his control and took a moment, forcing himself to breathe slowly, willing his heartbeat to settle. He pushed aside his emotional crap and began to process what Teal’c had actually said.

Teal’c had clearly worked out that SG-1’s exclusion was not Jack’s choice and that Jack had not volunteered for the task. With that resolved, Teal’c was firmly back in Jack’s corner, ready to defend. Impossible to believe that he deserved this man’s faith. Of course, Teal’c’s acceptance threw their allies’ mistrust into sharp relief. _Why hadn’t Thor backed him up?_ He expected nothing from the Tollan, but the Nox and Asgard….

He straightened and, as Teal’c’ took a step back, confessed. “I might not have done much differently even if I’d had the choice, T. There are reasons I didn’t want you guys dragged into it.”

“Did you doubt our commitment?”

“No, but I would’ve preferred not to be your reality check.” It was as close as Jack could come to admitting how much Carter and Daniel’s relative innocence and idealism meant to him. He knew Teal’c felt the same. It was one of the reasons why he’d wanted to keep Teal’c - keep them all - clear.

“They are not children, O’Neill.” In Teal’c’s voice, Jack heard a hint of reproach and more than a little understanding. “Nor am I.”

“Yeah.” He stood, closed his locker. “I know.” But Washington and the Pentagon could, at times, be no better than Apophis and he’d be damned if he’d ever let Teal’c be used again. Jack consciously tried to relax his shoulders and back, knowing his friend was still watching him closely. He’d never pull off feigning indifference. _Little late for that._

“I believe Major Carter is in her lab with Daniel Jackson.” Teal’c’s voice was as gentle as Jack had ever heard it. Teal’c understood Jack’s reasons but that didn’t mean that Carter and Daniel would, so it was time to face them and the consequences of his actions. Jack met his friend’s calm, unblinking gaze. Carter and Daniel deserved an explanation but Jack had never had any luck finding the right words when it mattered. Words weren’t his thing.

“Teal’c…” He knew it was a lost cause. At some point, all his anger had seeped away, leaving nothing behind but dragging exhaustion. He sighed, “Fine.” He gave up, not gracefully, but he let Teal’c herd him to the elevator.

The elevator arrived. Jack followed Teal’c into the car, head bowed, remembering.

From the moment he’d agreed to the mission, he’d known what he would have to do. The NID wasn’t going to take him on just because he lost his temper and bitched about the neighbors. They’d wanted him dirty. His performances at the SGC with Carter, Hammond, and Teal’c had been so much sound and fury. Maybourne, who’d known him years ago, would never have been taken in by them. So Jack had played to the bugs and the parabolics and Daniel had been the fuse, fuel and collateral damage at Jack’s auto-da-fé.

There weren’t words for what he’d done to Daniel. But their allies were happy and the SGC’s good name was restored. _Excellent work, Colonel. _He hoped Hammond could nix the talk of a commendation. The General had to realize that Jack could not be held responsible for his actions if he had to accept a medal for his recent work. He already had a stash of hardware that he could barely stand to look at. Flashbacks of blood and grey matter in crosshairs were bad enough; he couldn’t stand the thought that the destruction of his team might be memorialized the same way.

The elevator dinged and Teal’c stepped out. Jack followed, working to blank his mind. He needed to be calm for this.

“Jack has a reputation.” Daniel’s words floated out of Carter’s lab into the hall, stopping Jack cold.

Carter answered, “Sure, there are all kinds of stories, everything from insubordination to practical jokes to times when people were sure he’d be tossed. There are people who think General Hammond is crazy for having him as his 2IC. But I’ve also heard rumors - no one really _tells _these stories - about impossible missions that he’s pulled off.”

“Okay, I understand why Jack was chosen for this escapade, but why wouldn’t he include us?” Daniel was insistent, not angry exactly, but getting there.

Jack squared his shoulders and stepped forward as Carter replied.

“Daniel, I wasn’t there, but I’m sure that in this case, the Colonel’s orders were not open to interpretation.”

“They weren’t,” Jack spoke quietly and met Carter’s startled look. He forced himself to act normally and leaned one shoulder against the doorway. He knew Teal’c was standing silent and watchful behind him. Jack felt trapped and fought not to give in to the fight or flight reflex singing along his nerves.

Daniel’s head snapped up at Jack’s words and he demanded, “Why not?”

Jack relished the harsh tone. It meant he hadn’t broken Daniel of the unrelenting need to know and the willingness to dive into any confrontation. If Daniel stopped pushing, Jack would never get out the words that he desperately needed to say. More than that, if Daniel gave up on him, SG-1 was done as a team. It was important that Carter and Teal’c be here and understand, but Daniel was their - his - conscience and had taken the hardest hit.

“Because I argued. With Thor, the Tollan, and the Nox. Every argument was shot down,” Jack answered softly. Carter was silent; he flicked a glance to her, assessing her mood, before focusing on Daniel again.

“And?” Daniel prompted.

“It left no room to maneuver.” Jack’s options had been pared down to the letter of the law. Travell had been excruciatingly, icily specific. “It wasn’t a matter of trust, Daniel. At least not for me.” Jack’s voice was rough. He swallowed.

“They had to be sure we weren’t involved.” Daniel frowned in concentration. “It wasn’t the mission, it was us.” Jack just looked at him, eyebrow raised in silent inquiry. Daniel clarified, “You didn’t argue over taking the mission, you argued to include the team.”

“Yeah.”

Daniel barely paused, “And they played you, so you wouldn’t be able to refuse the mission, didn’t they?” Jack’s eyes widened at Daniel’s words. “Set you up to choose between us and everything we’re trying to do.” 

“They had their priorities,” Jack was trying to control his expression. He’d underestimated Daniel, again, despite all the chess games and all their history.

“And you had yours.”

“Yeah well, my priorities weren’t all that important to them.” Jack shoved his fisted hands deep into his pockets.

Daniel barreled on, “They probably had you meet them on Thor’s ship with all that technology the Pentagon wants so badly on one side and a nice view of the Earth on the other.” Daniel shook his head. “Nobody needed to say another word at that point, did they?” Jack shrugged. He knew he had an over-developed sense of responsibility. It was his watch, his command. He didn’t expect anyone to cut him any slack for that, he knew it was arrogant, paternalistic and condescending of him. It was also completely unchangeable. All that was left was to see what price he’d pay for it.

Carter blurted, “That’s why you stole the weapons disabler right in front of us.”

Jack nodded. “We’d agreed that there would be an ‘incident’ at the negotiations, but it was up to me what that entailed.” And, because Jack considered it an opportunity too good to miss, it was also as flagrant a ‘fuck you’ to High Chancellor Travell as Jack could manage. He’d enjoyed that part, the more so because it proved his point about his team.

Carter was still lining up her ducks, “And we thought there had to be something wrong because it was so out of character. So we tried everything we could think of to figure out what was ‘wrong’ with you and that helped the story along.”

Jack shrugged, both pleased and unsettled that his second was coming along under his tutelage. “Wouldn’t have gotten back to the NID so fast otherwise.”

Daniel sighed. “If we’d figured it out in time, we’d have gone after you.”

Which was why Jack had made damn sure they’d be too pissed off to think things through. It was the only choice he could make. “I –“ Jack’s words ground to a halt as Daniel suddenly paled and wrapped his arms around himself. “Daniel?”

“We’d have given you away. They’d have killed you.”

“Well, they might have tried.” Daniel completely ignored Jack’s attempt to lighten the mood.

“You had to keep us off-balance, distracted, even as you built up your cover.” Daniel fell silent for a moment. Jack could almost hear the dominoes falling. Daniel’s brain was a strange and wonderful thing sometimes. “Everything was calculated. Every action you took was deliberate and for a purpose. Or two.” Daniel’s lips twitched, halfway between a wince and a smile. “The end justifies the means.”

Jack flinched. He despised that idea, had never, ever used it to excuse his actions. Hated hearing it from stars and suits. He’d done terrible, soul-staining things for his country but at least he’d never deluded himself that they’d been right or honorable. It was enough - _it had to be enough _\- that they’d been necessary.

“You had to do something drastic enough that the NID wouldn’t think you were setting them up. It was partly to protect us - to make sure they wouldn’t go after us. I can see that. Then too, because you were out there alone and you couldn’t be sure they’d believe you, you had to make certain that if anything went wrong and you ‘disappeared’ we’d never suspect anything.” Daniel continued. Carter made a choked sound, but Jack couldn’t tear his eyes away from the floor. “They knew what you’re capable of, what you’ve done in the past. But you haven’t been that man for a while and you haven’t been quiet about it. Defending Teal’c, saving Cassie and the Tollan, your reaction to mining Tonane’s planet,” Daniel paused. “Befriending a geek archeologist.” Jack’s gaze shot up at that. “These are not the acts of an opportunistic Special Operations veteran, so they would be suspicious of your sudden change of heart.”

Jack started to respond but Daniel held a hand up to stop him.

“They must have figured we were your Achilles’ heel. So you had to convince them they were wrong about that.” Suddenly Jack couldn’t speak. Here was Daniel deconstructing his motives and actions, deconstructing _Jack_, effortlessly.

“You did a good job, Jack,” Daniel continued after a minute in a stronger tone. “They bought it. You sold the lie and pulled off the mission.” Daniel paused and Jack watched him easing out of the patented Jackson self-hug. When Jack’s eyes met Daniel’s, he braced for the judgment about to fall. “We’ve been here before, Jack. We did this on Abydos, years ago. Has anything changed in all this time?” Daniel’s voice was sharp, but not angry. Not anymore. “Are you going to fall on your sword now?” 

Jack felt like he’d taken a punch to the solar plexus. No one, not his wife, no one under his command, no one in command over him, _no one _had ever got it - _got him _\- so completely. As Daniel fell silent, Jack couldn’t think of a single thing to say. Because Daniel was right. Jack’s next move would be to shut down. It was his SOP. The instinct was there, the imperative to _get out, get away_, hard-wired into his psyche. But Jack couldn’t look away from the challenge in Daniel’s eyes. They might have been the only two people in the room.

He drew in a shaky breath, then another, steadier than the first, and finally spoke. “I don’t know what to say.” It was useless but true. “What I said….” Jack shook his head, unable to keep from remembering the look in Daniel’s eyes as he tore Daniel’s heart out there, in the living room, over two bottles of beer and an abandoned chess game.

"You did what you had to do.” Daniel’s voice was low, wavering very slightly. “It’ll be okay.” It was all there for Jack to hear in Daniel’s tone, an offer of time and patience and the possibility of forgiveness. “Trust me?”

"Always.” In the silence following his pronouncement, Jack was conscious of warmth along his spine, easing into his tense muscles, radiating from Teal’c. A physical manifestation of Teal’c’s unspoken but clear message, _I have your back_. He looked over at Carter, who straightened to attention and met his eyes without hesitation, backing up Daniel, supporting his conclusions. As clearly as if she said the words, Jack knew that if Daniel was okay with him, Carter would be, too. Jack closed his eyes. There was just one more thing.

Jack lifted his head, stepped into the room, met Daniel’s eyes and said simply, “Daniel, I’m sorry.”

Daniel just looked at him for a minute. Jack barely breathed. He watched as Daniel swallowed and nodded. Jack slowly raised an unsteady hand to curl around the nape of Daniel’s neck. When his gesture wasn’t rejected, when the arm Jack tentatively raised wasn’t shrugged off, when he was allowed to envelop Daniel in a hug, he finally felt like he was home. He finally felt that he was solid on his foundations once more. Because they were his team. And they weren’t letting go.

End


End file.
